Several weeks ago, I signed up for Navigating Transitions, a new coaching certification course from Modern Elder Academy (MEA). Given my experience guiding high performers through transition, I thought it might be too rudimentary and not stretch me. But instead, I've found myself fully immersed, uncovering insights and perspectives that reached far deeper than expected—an important reminder of the power of a beginner’s mindset.
In this week’s module, we explored the psychology of transitions, including a concept that Chip Conley, founder of MEA, calls “emotional equations.” These equations are simple formulas that capture complex emotional dynamics, offering insights into how certain feelings, like anxiety or despair, can emerge from the interplay of our thoughts and experiences.
One equation in particular caught my attention:
Reality - Expectations = Disappointment
It’s a simple equation, yet it reveals a fundamental truth about the human condition: our contentment often hinges on how reality aligns (or doesn’t) with our expectations.
When Reality and Expectations Collide
In my own life, I see this equation at play constantly. Small things, like the weather being rainy and cold, can trigger frustration when I realize I’ve been holding tightly to the thought of a long bike ride. Or when a car ahead is going well below the speed limit delays my arrival time, the expectation of a smooth drive fading—I feel my patience thinning, a quiet frustration surfacing as reality falls short of what I envisioned.
On a larger scale, I’ve felt it with things that hold more weight, like parenting. I went in thinking that with enough preparation and coordination with my wife, it would be smoother, maybe even easier. But I’ve faced countless moments that defy any plan—sleepless nights, sick days, struggles to connect, or seeing my daughters grapple with issues I can’t control or fix. There’s a tension in realizing how little control I actually have. It can feel heavy, bringing up frustration and even shame when reality disrupts my vision of being the calm, grounded parent I thought I would be.
And then, there’s the expectation that by this stage in life, I’d have “made it”—a bank account with more zeros, a sense of ease in where I am. There’s this subtle, unspoken belief that everything should feel established by now, that I’d have the freedom to pursue higher aspirations without money weighing on my mind. Yet, when reality doesn’t match this vision, a lingering cognitive dissonance emerges—a sense that I should be further along, more secure, somehow more complete.
When these ideals fall short, I find myself resisting what is. This resistance doesn’t just stay in my mind; it settles in my body as a tightness in the chest, a wave of frustration or self-doubt, and sometimes a quieter, deeper sense of despair that’s hard to shake.
These examples—big and small—reveal just how deeply ingrained this equation is in my life. When reality and expectations don’t align, the resulting tension, if left unchecked, seeps into my day-to-day. And though the disappointments may vary, the underlying pattern remains: the more tightly I cling to what should be, the more I find myself resisting what actually is.
As a transition coach, I see this same dynamic with clients all the time. They come in expecting that a change will reignite their passion, that clarity will come quickly, or that they’ll feel motivated and driven right from the start. When these expectations aren’t met, they start to question everything: “What’s wrong with me?” “Why is this taking so long?” or even “Did I make a mistake?” The gap between their expectations and reality doesn’t just lead to frustration; it can unravel their sense of self, stirring feelings of inadequacy and a deeper, pervasive self-doubt.
For some, this disappointment is compounded by the thought that they “should” be further along—that their skillset, network, or track record should make the path easier. They expect certainty, confidence, and a seamless transition, and instead, they find themselves navigating uncertainty, setbacks, and the uncomfortable process of redefinition. They begin to see their own struggles as personal failings, magnifying every small setback and compounding the sense that something must be wrong with them.
In these moments, I often remind them that the experience of transition itself can be inherently messy. It’s rarely a clean or linear process, and expecting it to be so only increases the gap between what they’re going through and the expectations they carry. Instead of seeing discomfort as a failure, the work becomes about understanding this gap, learning to accept it, and even finding growth within it.
The Fundamental Human Condition
Taking a step back, this tension between expectation and reality speaks to something universal, woven into the very fabric of human experience. When our expectations don’t align with reality, we suffer. And over time, if we repeatedly expect one thing and encounter another, this dissonance can become exhausting, gradually filling our lives with a baseline of stress and dissatisfaction that’s hard to shake.
This cycle leads many to wonder: are we supposed to lower our expectations, give up hoping for more, or become cynics? Absolutely not. There’s a better way forward—one that begins with a shift in how we see and engage with what unfolds.
Instead of reacting immediately to unmet expectations, we can begin by simply observing our experience with a bit more curiosity. Are we able to accept what’s happening, or do we sense some resistance? In witness consciousness, awareness of the body becomes an entry point for understanding our reactions. Noticing the body’s subtle signals can help us identify moments of resistance. Are there physical sensations, like tension in the shoulders, tightness in the gut, heat radiating from the body, or a heaviness in the chest? These sensations often hint at a deeper resistance we might be carrying.
Observing these reactions without judgment is essential. Imagine looking at your response as if through a gentle, curious lens, allowing whatever arises to simply be there. You might take a few breaths and, rather than pushing the feeling away, silently acknowledge it: “Frustration is here” or “Resistance is here.” Doing this can help you disidentify with the emotion and detach from the immediate need to fix or fight against the feeling. Instead, notice how the sensation changes as you bring your attention to it and breathe. Does the tension shift? Does the sensation intensify or soften?
Try asking yourself questions that deepen the awareness: What expectation was I holding here? How does that expectation serve me—or does it perhaps keep me locked in a certain pattern? These reflections can help us see how often we’re attached to specific outcomes and have an aversion to reality, which creates that feeling of resistance. In this practice, we’re not aiming to rid ourselves of disappointment but to engage with it thoughtfully, understanding our responses in ways that cultivate resilience.
By repeatedly practicing this gentle awareness, we gradually cultivate a presence that allows us to feel our experience fully and then let them go, opening the door to greater peace of mind, adaptability, and a deeper connection with life as it unfolds.
The Balance Between Aspiration and Acceptance
I believe that aiming high—wanting and desiring good things for ourselves—is natural and part of the human experience. But the real challenge, and perhaps the spiritual path, lies in balancing aspiration with acceptance. It’s about learning to hold our expectations lightly, allowing life to unfold as it will, while remaining open to the intelligence present in each moment. When things don’t go as planned, there’s often an unexpected opportunity for growth, a new lesson waiting to be unearthed.
This doesn’t mean throwing up our hands and giving up on life’s pursuits. Instead, it’s about recognizing what we truly have control over—and often, that’s our reaction to any given moment. When we learn to see resistance to what is as an invitation, we create the space to explore, to soften, and to respond with curiosity rather than frustration. Balancing aspiration with acceptance asks us to honor both our drive for more and the reality that not everything will align with our expectations. In doing so, we approach each experience not just as a means to something better but as a moment with inherent value, regardless of the outcome.
This isn’t a skill we acquire overnight; it’s a practice, a way of being cultivated day by day, year by year. It calls for the courage to set goals and reach for what matters most, while also nurturing the resilience to accept reality as it comes, trusting that every twist and turn holds something valuable. Ultimately, this approach allows us to meet life as it is, honoring what’s happening right now and discovering a sense of peace—not in getting exactly what we want, but in learning to embrace what is.